Well, it finally happened. My long-time friend/drinking partner/fellow Waffle House lover at 3am after we've had so many hops-filled beverages we start pondering running for State Senate, Joey Graziano, has decided in that oh-so brilliant mind of his that it would be a fantastic idea to give me access to his award-winning Northeast Pa blog.
So, basically in a nutshell, he has given up all hope for this project and has thought it a good idea to bring me in and go all Jack Kevorkian on this blog and put it out of its misery.
Alright, actually, nothing could be further from the truth.
Recently, I took a position with a site called
Rantsports.com. On said internet website, I am a compensated college football writer, as well as having the opportunity to contribute to a number of other sports such as Major League Baseball, NCAA Basketball, and NEPA's oh-so precious National Football League.
Alright, so that still doesn't answer the question--WHY THE FUCK AM I HERE?
You see, I am proud of what I do for Rant and how far I have come with my work there. However, my old friend Joe offered me a gift the other day; a gift that may have topped the Reebok pump sneakers Santa got me for Christmas back in 1990.
Joey, is letting me be an asshole. And, an asshole is what I do best.
Now, I'm not even sure how long I'm going to be here because the terms of employment still haven't been met yet per our conversation the other day. Joey promised that if I can provide a combination of my wealth of useless sports knowledge and my asshole-like tendencies, that I would be rewarded with the following...
- A mint-condition 1992 issue of Playboy featuring Pamela Anderson (pre-tit enhancement because ALL NATURAL BABY!)
- A case of Crystal Pepsi (which I'm not even sure that exists anymore so I can't blame him for falling short on that one, I'm just a fuckin' idiot for believing him)
- A cologne that smells like a combination of the broken dreams of O.J Simpson and Kris Humphries when he found out Kanye West impregnated his lady.
- And, last but not least, a 12-pack of Schlitz, that may or may not be expired but fuck it man, BEER.
All of these were more than acceptable terms to me. However, I am a reasonable human being and Joey is my friend, so I will give him more than ample time to PAY ME, BITCH!
Until then though, sit back and enjoy the ride, people. I plan on taking the majority of your favorite sports stories from the week and making you wonder how the fuck I have a normal functioning brain. I mean, you'll probably think that regardless, but I like to push limits. It's what I do.